Ramblings at 50

Invisible middle age. The end of the drive to procreate and protect the young. The habits and responsibilities of daily life hard earned and deeply engrained. The good employee, responsible, reliable. Keeping the wheels turning and the lights on.
There was a time of lashing out against the death of dreams, but it is a distant memory. Those few dreams achieved only a ghost of that youthful vision, Now just grateful for health, home, lack of conflict. The retreat into the pleasant, the beautiful, the soothing.
The realization that there are no answers, no right way. Only questions and conversations.
And arguments.
Having lived through the past only showing us how wrongly it has been interpreted. And so realizing our interpretations of our parents and grandparents times were just as flawed.
So little invested in what is most important. So much invested in dust.

I always thought I could make some sort of difference. But I haven’t. I fight my own demons, just struggling to stay productive and in the “normal” range. Fearing poverty, loneliness, disconnection. Fearing my own thoughts. The never ending judgement. What am I doing with my life? Am I doing right? Is the world a better place because of me? I can never rest and enjoy life for more than a few minutes. It has to have Meaning. And yet I don’t know what that Meaning is. I am condemned to search for it like the end of a rainbow. It can’t be reached. Whenever I feel it for a moment it moves on just out of reach. How strange that the rainbow is a symbol of lighthearted happiness. That is was God’s symbol of his promise of no more floods. That which is beguilingly beautiful, that beckons us to it, but can never be reached and only moves further away if we try to reach it. The ultimate in empty promise. There is no rainbow. It is a trick of light reflected through water. It is always there and never there.

What kind of existence is this? Why do I feel so absolutely separate from everyone, and yet know that we are all connected. Why do I feel so deeply the pain in the world and yet am powerless to affect it. And if I were to drop out of the mainstream and spend my time in some sort of pursuit of a difference, I would bring pain to the few people that are a part of my life. I struggle to overcome my own weaknesses. To strengthen my body and will. But when I do, what is the purpose. Ten years ago I decided to get in shape. I worked out 6 days a week. I focused on my clothes, my hair. I tanned and lost weight. I looked better at 41 than ever in my life. I attracted a man who was attracted to the surface. He was cool, rich, and fun. And empty. I could clearly feel the empty gaping hole that his soul should fill. Instead it cowered in a corner. But he had more power over me that I had ever felt. I was powerless. And inevitably I was used and discarded like last season’s fashion. I was too old to fit into his plan. But had I been younger, I would be there. Caught in that web. What is that about? How can I feel so overwhelmed by that which I have spent my life mocking?

I drink to hide from myself. From my hypocrisy. From the illusion of choice. The curse of Free Will. And the drinking leaves me empty and weak. Guilty, emotional, confused, powerless. It takes my power and leaves me empty. I hide from the emptiness which only feeds it.

I work. I sift numbers through my fingers. Lining them up in neat rows and columns. Tabulating, formulating, analyzing. Numbers that represent dollars, hours, goods, people. Tiny stories of meals, meetings, conversations. Mugs and glasses and bottles of wasted life and superficial connection. The numbers always calculate, they obediently report. The truly heartfelt and the most banal read exactly the same. More is good. Less is bad. Its not personal, its business. There is no content, only form.
But there is a beauty and clarity in the completely objective. It drowns out the demons. For the moment.

On the weekend I rush to Enjoy my life. To Relax and Unwind. Having toiled in my place at the wheel, I now have permission to rest. The work is a justification of my existence. It has no intrinsic worth. It is a game to pass the time. I drink to numb the thoughts, quell the panic of the claustrophobia. In the middle of the night I wake, the alcohol worn off, the mind rested and unprotected. The yearning for understanding, for a clear vision of the path to take. Small visions that dry up in the glaring daylight. I prefer my sleep world. I prefer the unfettered experience. The feeling of those experiences having some sort of meaning, some symbolism. No judgement. The cool sparkling clarity of a moonlit night. Serene in blue and grey.

I alternate between feeling the only answer is to give up. To just numb the pain and watch the drama play out. Uninvolved, uninvested, unconnected. But then I panic, an elemental survival response. I will NEVER give up. I’ll keep loving passionately and failing miserably. Keep questioning and testing answers. Keep evolving, changing, thinking, living. Keep trying.

There are no right answers in a lifetime. Only right answers for the moment. There are no endpoints, no pots of gold. Only quests, no holy grails. That which we grasp and clutch to our bosom envelops us and binds us. When we stop we become a rusting relic in a fallow field, overgrown by weeds and vines, never to matter again. Only a nostalgic curiosity for the passerby.

I am so tired from the struggle, but I can’t give it up. I have to shake off the lethargy. Redefine my values. Dissemble the protective armor and stand in the face of the storm. At least to experience the full power of it before it carries me away.