Getting a Grip

Life doesn't get easier. How does the saying go, no matter where we go, there we are. We can never get away from that unique set of challenges and strengths that make us who we are. We will never "get there", because no matter how far we go, the finish line recedes into the distance. We aren't meant to rest, we are meant to strive. Always pushing, always evolving. There is no stasis in nature. When we stop we begin to deteriorate. We are either going forwards, or backwards. One of my challenges is that I was born with a melancholy personality. I have realized over the years that I am almost more at rest when I am sad. Happiness makes me uncomfortable, I am always just waiting for it to crumble. I remember myself as a child: thin, weak, serious. While I didn't have the best family life, I surely didn't have the worst. It was in many ways very neutral. Uninspiring, safe. We weren't close emotionally, but I always knew they would be there for me physically. No heartfelt talks, encouragement, advice. My dad drank too much, my mom ate too much. They coped with their lives, avoided any real authenticity. To be authentic. That really is at the root of what I have tried to be in my life. To love myself enough to be honest, open, to live in a way that isn't just survival. Have I succeeded? In some ways. I'm proud of my motherhood. I'm proud that I think my children know who I am. Warts and all. That I have avoided, for the most part, being hypocritical. That they can talk to me about anything, that they aren't afraid to talk about anything, to question anything. But at the same time I hope I have taught them loyalty, unconditional love. I've taught them to work, to not take things for granted. To not expect anyone but themselves to make their lives work. To not make excuses. Was I, am I, the perfect Mom? Far from it. But they are all three good, loving, hardworking, honest, authentic people. And I am very, very proud of them.
Moving up to Oregon has turned out very differently than I thought. I thought I was coming up here to semi-retire. To work part time at a low stress job. To have time to make a home, a garden, a relationship with my husband, and develop my art. Instead I find myself in the most stressful job I've had since the newspaper 15 years ago. I am far from my kids, who have been my life for so long. I can't be there to help them, or hold them. I've gained weight, am going through menopause. I feel more tired, less well than I've ever felt in my life. My creativity is sapped by a job I don't like, and more importantly don't feel represents who I am or what I believe in. It is the antithesis really. I go to work, drink too much, watch too much TV, and try desperately on the weekend to fight the lethargy and emptiness to do what I want to be doing. I am full of resentment, anger and loneliness. I cry often, I feel defeated most of the time. I'm even afraid if I didn't have to work and had the time to do what I want to do, that I wouldn't. That I would just drink more, eat more, watch more TV, sleep more, and truly devolve into an empty shell. I know I need to get a grip and take control. When I was younger and had gotten myself into a place like this, it was always knowing I had to do this for the kids that would pull me out of it. They had no one but me, I had to be an example for them. I had to provide for them, I had to make their home as pleasant and nurturing as I could. And I couldn't be depressed and do that. I don't have that incentive anymore. Though I know I still do. I need to be there for them still. They need to have an example in their lives of someone who takes responsibility for their own happiness. I want to give that to them. My parents couldn't do that for me, they couldn't show me how. Somehow I have to evolve past that. I know some of it is changing the way I think about happiness. I've always been envious of the happiness I thought I saw in other people's lives. A husband, children, a house, a good job. And as I achieve each of these things I go back to my first comment. Wherever I go, there I am. Happiness isn't in achieving things, it is in the struggle to achieve them. Happiness isn't a static place, it is a journey. The journey of happiness. It changes every day, every week and every year. We can step out on this journey at any moment, and in that one step, we have arrived. We are on the path, we are experiencing the journey of happiness. I get side tracked. I go down little side trails that lead nowhere. And sometimes I'm just standing right next to the path staring out in a different direction. Toward that desert of self doubt and powerlessness. And that's where I am now. And that's why I'm turning around, yet once more. The details, the how's and whens and whys. Those appear like signposts once I get back on the right road. I know that. A simple change in direction, a single step, that's all that's needed. I just smiled, and felt a weight fall from my shoulders. I know I can do it, I've done it before in much harder circumstances. The journey never ends, the journey of happiness never ends, unless we sit down, or turn away. And it is always there waiting for us to get back to it. May I rejoice in the journey, and meet and encourage many other travelers on the way.